FAIL

The worst 4 letter word out there. The words that made my life, my entire existence for these last few month, completely fall apart. Those words next to my name hurts worse than any other pain I can remember. Those words have also humbled me. For awhile, I thought my future was untouchable. I had doubts, but I always have doubts. I am a well known over reactionist.

I couldn't feel a thing for awhile after I left that large Las Vegas testing hall. How could I? I failed a personal history questionnaire and was not even told what specifically I failed. It could have been a few things, but I would sure like to know why my dream was shattered.

I can remember notifying friends and loved ones about my recent failure, but that is it. I can remember almost crying when I talked to my mom. Secretly, I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was still too numb.

I didn't know what to do or what to think. I just kept walking. Everyone knew how bad I wanted this. Everyone knew how hard I worked for it. And how much time, effort, and money was invested in this.

It was for nothing. I failed a test I could have filled out at home or online. There was no need to bring me all the way out there to take this test. I could have been told that my prior actions would interfere with getting a job offer and I could have moved on. Las Vegas Metro Police has kinda stabbed me in the back. I do not blame them for my failure. Do not get it twisted. I take full credit for my failure. But they didn't need to tell me that decisions are made on a totality of circumstances, because they were not. All the good things I have done and the successes I have achieved, were not even considered.

This had been my motivation for so long. It is difficult to find a new motivation now. What is going to drive me to keep getting good grades, to keep going to the gym to stay in shape, and to keep my head up? I think maybe I should use this failure as motivation. Because I know a lot of people got further in the hiring process and most of them will end up dropping out of the hiring process by voluntary or involuntary termination and I know that a few that do make it to the academy will drop out of that. LVMPD messed up. I believe that. I was ready to give my life to them. I believe they lost out. I did too, but they will lose more in the end. At least that is what I am going to tell myself. My motivation from here could be to spite the LVMPD. Could work...