ups and downs

Above is my official acceptance into the reserves. Took 9 months, but hey, Rome wasnt built in a day right? Thats the good news. The bad news....

I find myself becoming more and more unsure about this Vegas thing. I am confident that I will pass the written test, physical fitness test and that I would be able to do very well on the oral board examination (if given the chance). What scares me is the PHQ I have fill out right after the written test and the polygraph test. I just feel that I have made too many mistakes in my life for a police department to understand and still hire me. I have already passed a background for Minneapolis Reserves, but that was very tame and there was no polygraph. I can't lie or "forget" to mention something. I wish the department would do all the background shit first so out of town applicants like myself do not have to spend all this money and time to go out and test if our past is going to keep us from an academy spot. Why even let me take the test or the oral boards if there is something I cannot change that will hold me back? Everything I do and everything I have done since October has been for Vegas Metro. I have worked so hard in school, at work and in my free time to get ready for this. I do not know how to put in words just how bad I want this. If I get to the oral boards, it will be huge for me. I hope atleast. I want to tell them how bad I want this and the things I will be sacrificing for just a shot to prove myself. Do not judge me on such a small part of my life (my mistakes). Judge me on all the good I have done. I do the right thing atleast 95 percent of the time. I always show up for class, for work. And I have always been a good worker, I am not perfect, but I do well. I already gave up a good career to get where I am now. I could have taken the UPS driver job and already started a career. But I didn't. I couldn't. I came back to school. To learn. About law enforcement, because this is what I want and who I am. I know I am just spouting off random thoughts now. But its my blog, I don't have a diary and sometimes I just need to type up some thoughts.

Its true if I don't get this it will not be the end of the world. I do have other options, but to be totally honest; DO I REALLY WANT THOSE OPTIONS? I am not really a man that settles for second best. Kinda stubborn like that.

Oh and the next person that tells me it will be fine and tells me I will do great. I am going to punch you in the throat. You don't know that, I don't know that. Only the LVMPD knows if my past is acceptable enough. If you want to give me words of encouragement; just say good luck or hope everything works out the best; or anything similar to that.